04/23/2007

IRISH STEW




An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
Doc advises: "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you
should Have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by Jesuz, I t'aut I
wasgoing to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from fuckin' skippin'" the Irishman said..



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04/23/2007

MIFFED!




Britain is feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940    when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."    The last time
the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the
great fire of London in 1666.


France announced yesterday that it has raised its    terror alert
level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in    France are
"Surrender" and "Collaborate."  The rise was precipitated by a    recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."  Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


Germany has increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have
two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels


Spain are excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


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04/21/2007

How not to do it



How to treat a Woman:

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How To Treat a Man:
Show up naked.
Don't block the T. V.
Bring chicken wings.


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04/19/2007

play fair :balls to that:



 

Will somebody get the England cricket team an Australian coach I think he or she would sack the present team and start again with a team from some local school  ,probably all from West Indian  Asiatic or antipodeans extraction But they will want to play and most of all they will want to win. Because as sure as eggs are eggs the public school prats we have got playing for us now are taking the whole country for  ride. They have spent the whole winter living it up in luxury  pissing it up the wall and losing. {Perhaps its time for the poms to bribe their way to a few wins just to give the paying public a bit of a lift.} Its time for us to join the cheats .  Enough of this  play up and play the game   crap.The  English team were booed off the park on Tues. In short they just rolled over to a bunch allegedly cheating match fixers .Who on this occasion didn’t even have to bother to put the in fix.   The team they were playing couldn’t be bothered to play .Maybe the English had a few clues about my suggestion of sacking the lot of them?.   Time to join the cheats get us an Australian coach who wants to win no mater what way, fair or not just win... Lol



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04/04/2007

dont tell my mrs she's welsh



After having  their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough,

As the social wouldn't buy them  a bigger bed and they weren't strong
enough
to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want
to have any more
children. The doctor told him  there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that
would fix the  problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was  to go home, get a firework, light it,put
it
in a beer can, then  hold the can up to his ear and count to10.

The Scouser said  to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but  I don't see how putting a firework
in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

Trust me, it will do the job", said  the doctor. So the man went home,
lit a
banger and put it in a  beer can. He held the can up to his ear and
began to count: "1,  2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the
beer
can  between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other  hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of  Sunderlandand
and anywhere in  Wales.


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